Lesson One: fragile vs angry

Lesson One: Keep your fragile, your hurt for when you are alone. Angry is Sexier.

Yes, I know it may sound odd but to me it makes the most sense.

I let very few people see a certain side of me. I keep it hidden, keep it to myself, and may bring it out in therapy every once in a great while. I'm not exactly ashamed, but when I look at the person I'd want to be with, it would be the one who can make light of the situation, laugh at herself, and maybe look at the situation from a bitter sarcastic angle rather then the girl who falls apart at the seams, which we all do from time to time. Thats the me I keep to myself.

Since becoming single, I have dated. I've dated a little, and fallen a bit, but I know that I have to get up even if the climb is so far. I've come a long way, baby, but I've got even further to go.

I have a lot more to say, but I don't know that now is the time, now is the right emotional moment for me to get the words right, or to keep that fragile one away cause even though I'm alone, I still don't want to hang out with that person. A few days, a few more...maybe then I can think straight enough to put it all on the table. Lesson one makes more sense with lesson 2. stay tuned.

The Big Old 2-9

The last time I was single on my birthday, I was 21. And naturally, since I was turning 21, I really didn't care as much. I wanted to go out, and have fun and not be tied down. Not that I'm looking for much different at this junction of my life, however, it was that thought in my head where I was saying "god, it would be nice to have a man to spend today with".

Then I realized the downfall in this. It made me mentally rely on a person who may or may not be in my life yet for happiness, or for anything for that matter. Instead of a man to spend my birthday with, I spent it with my family and friends, which was awesome, just in a different way. But I loved it just the same.

Normally, i start counting down to my birthday around mid September. This year with everything going on, it didn't really occur to me as much. I forgot to be excited, to love my birthday the way I always do. I never think of it negatively, as another year older. I think of it as another year of experiences- true, not all of them good, but plenty of them were, and plenty of my experiences as 29 year old will be as well.

I know this is kind of a sappy post, which we should never expect here, but live and learn I guess. Plus I got to write a birthday song, which is pretty fuckin' cool too.