Lesson One: Keep your fragile, your hurt for when you are alone. Angry is Sexier.
Yes, I know it may sound odd but to me it makes the most sense.
I let very few people see a certain side of me. I keep it hidden, keep it to myself, and may bring it out in therapy every once in a great while. I'm not exactly ashamed, but when I look at the person I'd want to be with, it would be the one who can make light of the situation, laugh at herself, and maybe look at the situation from a bitter sarcastic angle rather then the girl who falls apart at the seams, which we all do from time to time. Thats the me I keep to myself.
Since becoming single, I have dated. I've dated a little, and fallen a bit, but I know that I have to get up even if the climb is so far. I've come a long way, baby, but I've got even further to go.
I have a lot more to say, but I don't know that now is the time, now is the right emotional moment for me to get the words right, or to keep that fragile one away cause even though I'm alone, I still don't want to hang out with that person. A few days, a few more...maybe then I can think straight enough to put it all on the table. Lesson one makes more sense with lesson 2. stay tuned.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
The Big Old 2-9
The last time I was single on my birthday, I was 21. And naturally, since I was turning 21, I really didn't care as much. I wanted to go out, and have fun and not be tied down. Not that I'm looking for much different at this junction of my life, however, it was that thought in my head where I was saying "god, it would be nice to have a man to spend today with".
Then I realized the downfall in this. It made me mentally rely on a person who may or may not be in my life yet for happiness, or for anything for that matter. Instead of a man to spend my birthday with, I spent it with my family and friends, which was awesome, just in a different way. But I loved it just the same.
Normally, i start counting down to my birthday around mid September. This year with everything going on, it didn't really occur to me as much. I forgot to be excited, to love my birthday the way I always do. I never think of it negatively, as another year older. I think of it as another year of experiences- true, not all of them good, but plenty of them were, and plenty of my experiences as 29 year old will be as well.
I know this is kind of a sappy post, which we should never expect here, but live and learn I guess. Plus I got to write a birthday song, which is pretty fuckin' cool too.
Then I realized the downfall in this. It made me mentally rely on a person who may or may not be in my life yet for happiness, or for anything for that matter. Instead of a man to spend my birthday with, I spent it with my family and friends, which was awesome, just in a different way. But I loved it just the same.
Normally, i start counting down to my birthday around mid September. This year with everything going on, it didn't really occur to me as much. I forgot to be excited, to love my birthday the way I always do. I never think of it negatively, as another year older. I think of it as another year of experiences- true, not all of them good, but plenty of them were, and plenty of my experiences as 29 year old will be as well.
I know this is kind of a sappy post, which we should never expect here, but live and learn I guess. Plus I got to write a birthday song, which is pretty fuckin' cool too.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The Mouse and The Roach
For a long time now, I've been the girl who will smash the bug. Any hippies who are reading, please realize they are tress passing and I have every right to kill them. Anyways, there is only one bug that truly disturbs me, that I don't want to be near even to kill it.
That my friends..is the roach. Anyone can attest that this brings out the inner girl in me and I shriek and scream and yell for help. About a month ago, I saw one of these lovely creatures in my house. I stood in the kitchen, frozen for a moment unsure what to do. Screaming will only make it run, and no one is here to help me with one of my biggest fears. I looked at the bug, looked around, looked at the bug, looked at my cats..no one can help. I felt so weak and helpless by this stupid little bug that I almost cried.
But I didn't.
I took my 5 inch heel off my right foot, aimed..fired. Dead. The cats ran away, they were of no help. I had this overwhelming sense of accomplishment and pride that I could face my fear, because other then hiding in another room, I didn't really have any options.
Fast forward to last night. I woke up around 3.30 am and couldn't get back to sleep. I got up, had a smoke, had a drink of water.. nothing helped. Around 4.45, I hear Gandalf on the floor running around which, is a little abnormal for this time of night. I flip the switch and look over the edge of the bed.. and he's found a new toy..in the form of a dead mouse. Hey..at least it was dead, right? At least it wasn't on the bed, right? This doesn't exactly gross me out, however it was unpleasant dealing with the remains. Something much suited for someone who doesn't have an inner girly side that was gagging at 5 am.
These are those times in life, when you can wish that someone else was there, but for only the 5 minutes that you need them. But then, you go back to sleep and wake up in the morning, glad to be there alone again. You don't have to share the bathroom, or get dressed in the dark. highs and lows.
**side note... Please don't think I live like a disgusting slob. This is the first encounter I have EVER had with a mouse, and the roach..well they happen everywhere from time to time.
That my friends..is the roach. Anyone can attest that this brings out the inner girl in me and I shriek and scream and yell for help. About a month ago, I saw one of these lovely creatures in my house. I stood in the kitchen, frozen for a moment unsure what to do. Screaming will only make it run, and no one is here to help me with one of my biggest fears. I looked at the bug, looked around, looked at the bug, looked at my cats..no one can help. I felt so weak and helpless by this stupid little bug that I almost cried.
But I didn't.
I took my 5 inch heel off my right foot, aimed..fired. Dead. The cats ran away, they were of no help. I had this overwhelming sense of accomplishment and pride that I could face my fear, because other then hiding in another room, I didn't really have any options.
Fast forward to last night. I woke up around 3.30 am and couldn't get back to sleep. I got up, had a smoke, had a drink of water.. nothing helped. Around 4.45, I hear Gandalf on the floor running around which, is a little abnormal for this time of night. I flip the switch and look over the edge of the bed.. and he's found a new toy..in the form of a dead mouse. Hey..at least it was dead, right? At least it wasn't on the bed, right? This doesn't exactly gross me out, however it was unpleasant dealing with the remains. Something much suited for someone who doesn't have an inner girly side that was gagging at 5 am.
These are those times in life, when you can wish that someone else was there, but for only the 5 minutes that you need them. But then, you go back to sleep and wake up in the morning, glad to be there alone again. You don't have to share the bathroom, or get dressed in the dark. highs and lows.
**side note... Please don't think I live like a disgusting slob. This is the first encounter I have EVER had with a mouse, and the roach..well they happen everywhere from time to time.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Cooking For One
When our life goes through so many changes all at once, it can become overwhelming to see the little things that are so very different then the way they were before. Little things that we never thought of because they didn't mean anything when it was 'we' instead of 'me'.
Point 1- Cooking for one.
Cooking for one is next to impossible. Everything in the grocery store is packaged for multiple people. Every time I go to make myself dinner, I am reminded of the scene in Fight Club when Edward Norton starts talking about how everything on an airplane is made in single servings. Maybe I should live on an airplane.
It took me a few weeks to get the courage up to make dinner for myself. And like, a real dinner. Pork chops, mashed potatoes..the works. And, as I predicted, I had a ton of leftovers because, even though I am a weight watcher member, and I know my portions and portion control, it just looks sad to see that tiny pork chop all alone in the skillet.
Point 1- Cooking for one.
Cooking for one is next to impossible. Everything in the grocery store is packaged for multiple people. Every time I go to make myself dinner, I am reminded of the scene in Fight Club when Edward Norton starts talking about how everything on an airplane is made in single servings. Maybe I should live on an airplane.
It took me a few weeks to get the courage up to make dinner for myself. And like, a real dinner. Pork chops, mashed potatoes..the works. And, as I predicted, I had a ton of leftovers because, even though I am a weight watcher member, and I know my portions and portion control, it just looks sad to see that tiny pork chop all alone in the skillet.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The Wedding
This past weekend, I was invited to go to a wedding with a friend of mine. With everything going on, I figured it would be good for me to get out of town for a few days with some friends, have a good time and just get my mind off of things.
Never once did I put a second thought into the event I was going to. By nature, I love weddings. I can put on a fancy dress, and fun accessories and high high heels, have a few drinks, let loose and have a good time.
This is not to say that I didn't have a good time, or wear fancy clothes or drink way too much and pass out 4 times. I did all of those things (yes, I am slightly embarrassed). The part that I forgot to consider would be the wedding itself. The beautiful bride, the gleaming groom, the vows. The vows were the killer. Weddings are all very much the same.. for richer..for poorer..for better..for worse.. what god brings together, let no man separate and all that bullshit.
Please don't read me wrong, I am very happy for the newlyweds. I don't believe that no marriage could work just because mine didn't, I just had no idea it would be so hard to hear 2 people who are deeply and truly in love say the words that I once said, and meant every word of it, to have it only fall apart a few years later.
I've accepted the fact that some days will be harder then others. I've accepted the fact that things have changed and will forever be undone. I've relearned who the person I thought I knew is, and I'm creating MYSELF into the person I should have been long ago.
Never once did I put a second thought into the event I was going to. By nature, I love weddings. I can put on a fancy dress, and fun accessories and high high heels, have a few drinks, let loose and have a good time.
This is not to say that I didn't have a good time, or wear fancy clothes or drink way too much and pass out 4 times. I did all of those things (yes, I am slightly embarrassed). The part that I forgot to consider would be the wedding itself. The beautiful bride, the gleaming groom, the vows. The vows were the killer. Weddings are all very much the same.. for richer..for poorer..for better..for worse.. what god brings together, let no man separate and all that bullshit.
Please don't read me wrong, I am very happy for the newlyweds. I don't believe that no marriage could work just because mine didn't, I just had no idea it would be so hard to hear 2 people who are deeply and truly in love say the words that I once said, and meant every word of it, to have it only fall apart a few years later.
I've accepted the fact that some days will be harder then others. I've accepted the fact that things have changed and will forever be undone. I've relearned who the person I thought I knew is, and I'm creating MYSELF into the person I should have been long ago.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Day 3: Effexor
Due to recent issues I have had that are a little too personal to go into, I started back in therapy after 10 years. After meeting me, my therapist made the assessment that I would benefit from some form of medication. Today is my 3rd day on Effexor, well this time around.
I'm finding myself having some horrible side effects, which drinking wine right now is probably only going to make it worse. I find myself nauseous most of the time, and I have a slight tremor in my hands from time to time. I've had more trouble sleeping lately, even with the added assistance of sleeping pills. I know its too early to really feel happy, though I have been more calm, though I attribute that to the fact that I am so focused on keeping the side effects down that I don't have time to concentrate on my many many problems that some have been created for me, some I have created for myself.
I don't know that burdening the world with my problems will help anything, or hurt anything. I just figured its worth a shot try to clear my own mind but putting words behind it.
I'm finding myself having some horrible side effects, which drinking wine right now is probably only going to make it worse. I find myself nauseous most of the time, and I have a slight tremor in my hands from time to time. I've had more trouble sleeping lately, even with the added assistance of sleeping pills. I know its too early to really feel happy, though I have been more calm, though I attribute that to the fact that I am so focused on keeping the side effects down that I don't have time to concentrate on my many many problems that some have been created for me, some I have created for myself.
I don't know that burdening the world with my problems will help anything, or hurt anything. I just figured its worth a shot try to clear my own mind but putting words behind it.
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